I hit breaking point yesterday. I really did. I guess some much boiled inside me with having to feel like an "alien" inside my own body, with having to use the wrong pronouns and terms, with having to smile each day like I wasn't dying inside just blew up inside. I had a break down, that's what I'm calling it although I am worried that it is appropriative to do so, I just screamed and reviled secrets and turned everyone against each other. I went for a walk in the freezing cold and walked around for miles and miles and miles.
I came back and come out again to my mother. I explained that last time she wasn't understanding and tolerant and that everything was too hard so I lied and went back into the closet trying to make everything back to the way they were before. I don't know if being out about my gender identity is going to be better this time or not but it seems to be. Of course one can not be sure after less then twenty-four hours (I came home late) but I do hope for better. It seems better. It has to be better. I don't think I can cope with more hatred.
I talk a lot about tattoos, I do want several but being vegan makes me cautious as I don't want animal parts permanently on my skin. I've wanted an arrow on my middle finger for a while now; an arrow means never looking back and moving forward with your life. I think the arrow tattoo can be very personal and deep to transgender and non-binary people. For me the arrow means never looking back on the lie I used to live but simply being free and living with my true gender as Morgan. I don't even associate myself with my previous name any more, to me I am just Morgan. If I can find a suitable and confirmed vegan friendly tattoo parlour I think the arrow might be my first tattoo for the meaning alone.
I'm hoping this will now mean that I can use ze/hir pronouns and use gender neutral terms. My mother and I have already agreed to go to the doctors and arrange to be put though to a gender therapist. I'm a little worried that the NHS system will mean horribly poor cisphobic and binarist therapy but even on the NHS Gender Dysphoria does mention people who fall under the genderqueer umbrella. Hopefully this will mean that I am safe and can go to an good therapist who will understand non-binary people and be able to advise me on various treatments.
I'm not sure how to transition. I know that I want to start packing and using a binder but I am nervous about taking testosterone hormones. Some days I'm simply not a boy but other days I really am. Testosterone hormones will prevent menstruation, deepen my voice, boarder my face, change the muscle structure in my body and encourage body and facial hair. However testosterone can also cause hair lose or "male pattern baldness" and I know I definitely do not want this. I have a lot of gender issues and hopefully speaking to someone who is qualified might be able to help.
I have found a lot of quality binders that I like. I have large breasts so I am worried that no matter what I won't be able to bind. I know testosterone hormones do decrease breast tissue to an extent but I'm not sure how much. I am assuming enough so I could bind without worry. However when I am not feeling rather masculine I do love my breasts. I know it sounds silly and confusing to spend half the time hating them and half the time loving them but that's how I feel. I spend my time moving between being a "woman" or a "man" or "intersex" or just to want to be as sexless. I need to talk about this I know. That's why I'm not sure I'd go for top surgery to remove my breasts however I wouldn't mind a comfortable binder to just....hide them. Make me seem more masculine.
As for packing it something that I want to do. Some days I do stand to pee so this would make it all so much easier for me. I'm a little worried about the technicalities of it all so I probably wouldn't use it out in public until I am fully confident I could use one without suspicion but I do want to wear one. I know I won't be able to fully transition but I'm hoping these steps will help me with my dysphoria.
I want to gets resources ready for questions; I might give my mother this blog to read but I'm also worried certain parts might upset her. I know sometimes this blog is a really hard read and for that I greatly thank all my followers for putting up with me and my therapeutic rambling. The best easy resource I know is 'The Gender Book' which was written as a children's information book but is a really good resource for people of all ages. I do have the PDF on my phone and really wish that I could buy the hardcopy but sadly they have yet to publish. I'm hoping second time around things will be better and my family will make steps to educate themselves. I just want to be accepted and loved and in a world where transphobia and binarism doesn't exist. I might share 'The Gender Book' with my mother and see if this helps her understand a bit more about my gender. I've done my best to explain dysphoria, using an alien as an analogy. I'm not sure I was helpful but only time will time.
I'm out and I'm proud and I'm hoping for a new future. I'm going back to college so it looks like everything is looking up. I think the only think that hasn't changed it that I would like to take a writer's workshop and make more steps to be a successful and professional writer. I want to change the media for non-binary people, I want us to be represented positivity. I don't want other people to grow up like I did without any source of information and representation and feeling like a freak. I know I can write wonderful stories that include non-binary characters. Here's two a hopefully brighter future.
