This May Be My Last Post

I finally managed to save up enough money to buy a new computer; I am so thrilled because it means I'll be able to do the things that I want online. I can write more, research more, play more, talk more, do anything. It's a small one, only eleven inches, but it's a good make and it gives me more freedom. However even after plans to be able to blog regularly like I wanted, I am not sure that I will.

It recently came to my attention that someone was able to hack this account and has deleted numerous blog posts. I feel as if they have rewritten what I enjoyed doing the most and the meaning of way this blog was created in the first place. I am heartbroken that someone would do this to me. The posts that were deleted all have one thing in common; they all mentioned my personal experiences that made me uncomfortable with the trans by choice "tucute" people on Tumblr and why I was refusing to identify with them and now identifying with transmedicalists. I think it is appalling and cowardly if you need to erase the experiences of a transgender people so you can continue to wear transgender people like a fashion accessory but not just to ignore the experiences to hack though a personal accent meant to help with dysphoria and depression and rewrite and delete posts. This is basically rewriting because people can not bare to think of the transphobia they are contributing too and the harmful toxics people within that community that you must silence tran's peoples voices. 

I am not sure I feel comfortable on this blog any more, to hack this someone would have had to get into my emails which means someone was able to find out all sorts of personal information about me. I don't want to be doxxed or blackmailed or threatened but I do not appreciate being turned into something I am not. I am what people call scum because how dare I not want the medical help I need and not want to be seen as a choice. I am angry at what has happened but I am also afraid. I don't feel safe on the internet which is a shame because this blog was really helping me. I was so excited to get my computer and go back to blogging but now I don't feel that I can.This experience has shocked me and made me not want to use my social media.

Transgender and non-binary lives are hard, we are invalidated and face oppression daily. Many face being met with violence, corrective rapes, and even murder. We are denied access to toilets and many are made homeless and refused work. The last thing that we need is to be turned into scum, to be turned into a fashion accessory, to be told that our dysphoria is just self-hate, and that their suffering is a choice. These were my experiences and these were erased to silence me. This is a cowardly act and I am against it. I am upset. I don't understand how anyone could do this, I try to be a nice human being, I don't want to hurt anyone, this blog was created to help me mentally. This was a coping method and now it has been taken away from me. I can't believe some people would do this, it's the description what this blog is about, there are several posts where I talk about serious depression and what can be seen as suicidal thoughts. You have to really hate transgender and non-binary people to silence them on a blog that's to help with mental illnesses. 

This may be my last post, I don't feel safe here any more. This is an horrific experience and I feel so violated. Yes I posted personal things on here but that doesn't give anyone the right to hack my account and delete posts. Posts I made as a coping method, to show my views to help me and to help others. This is unacceptable behaviour and I am devastated that someone would do this. I am a human being and I am worthy of respect. If I had been telling this naive little cisgender teenagers that it was okay to turn being transgender into a joke and appropriate the transgender movement then I honestly don't believe this would happen. Because real transgender people do not need to silence others to validate their struggles because they're struggles are real. Someone not using silly nounself pronouns is not a real struggle, not when people are murdered when they leave their house. I feel this was way; they don't like being exposed for their transphobia by transgender people, they don't like transgender people taking about what it really is being transgender, and they don't like real transgender people. I was silenced for being pangender. 

Even as I am writing this I don't feel safe and I am worried about this post being removed. I know at nineteen I should be a grown up and move past this but I have a history of bullying and I don't cope well with these situations. My depression gives me anxiety and my Autism also effects how I handle these situations. I don't deal or cope with them well so for my health I feel it would be best to remove me from them. The irony that I started this blog to help me cope and now it has been taken from me and used to cause me pain and suffering. I was finally able to come back but I am not sure I can even stay here. I honestly don't feel safe, maybe I'll delete and start a new blog somewhere. One just for my transgender and non-binary feelings and issues. I am sadden that it has to come to this but I can not stay somewhere that would cause me anxiety. My final decision has not been made yet as before this horrible thing happened this blog did really help me in some many ways. This was a life line when I was on the edge and so many posts where written with tears sliding down my face. But now I don't even feel safe using my Tumblr or Twitter accounts. 

I guess we will see as time goes on. But for now....goodbye. Maybe forever or maybe I'll have the courage to continue to raise awareness and offer my insight on certain topics.

Like The Arrow Only Move Forward

I hit breaking point yesterday. I really did. I guess some much boiled inside me with having to feel like an "alien" inside my own body, with having to use the wrong pronouns and terms, with having to smile each day like I wasn't dying inside just blew up inside. I had a break down, that's what I'm calling it although I am worried that it is appropriative to do so, I just screamed and reviled secrets and turned everyone against each other. I went for a walk in the freezing cold and walked around for miles and miles and miles. 

I came back and come out again to my mother. I explained that last time she wasn't understanding and tolerant and that everything was too hard so I lied and went back into the closet trying to make everything back to the way they were before. I don't know if being out about my gender identity is going to be better this time or not but it seems to be. Of course one can not be sure after less then twenty-four hours (I came home late) but I do hope for better. It seems better. It has to be better. I don't think I can cope with more hatred.

I talk a lot about tattoos, I do want several but being vegan makes me cautious as I don't want animal parts permanently on my skin. I've wanted an arrow on my middle finger for a while now; an arrow means never looking back and moving forward with your life. I think the arrow tattoo can be very personal and deep to transgender and non-binary people. For me the arrow means never looking back on the lie I used to live but simply being free and living with my true gender as Morgan. I don't even associate myself with my previous name any more, to me I am just Morgan. If I can find a suitable and confirmed vegan friendly tattoo parlour I think the arrow might be my first tattoo for the meaning alone. 

I'm hoping this will now mean that I can use ze/hir pronouns and use gender neutral terms. My mother and I have already agreed to go to the doctors and arrange to be put though to a gender therapist. I'm a little worried that the NHS system will mean horribly poor cisphobic and binarist therapy but even on the NHS Gender Dysphoria does mention people who fall under the genderqueer umbrella. Hopefully this will mean that I am safe and can go to an good therapist who will understand non-binary people and be able to advise me on various treatments.

I'm not sure how to transition. I know that I want to start packing and using a binder but I am nervous about taking testosterone hormones. Some days I'm simply not a boy but other days I really am. Testosterone hormones will prevent menstruation, deepen my voice, boarder my face, change the muscle structure in my body and encourage body and facial hair. However testosterone can also cause hair lose or "male pattern baldness" and I know I definitely do not want this. I have a lot of gender issues and hopefully speaking to someone who is qualified might be able to help. 

I have found a lot of quality binders that I like. I have large breasts so I am worried that no matter what I won't be able to bind. I know testosterone hormones do decrease breast tissue to an extent but I'm not sure how much. I am assuming enough so I could bind without worry. However when I am not feeling rather masculine I do love my breasts. I know it sounds silly and confusing to spend half the time hating them and half the time loving them but that's how I feel. I spend my time moving between being a "woman" or a "man" or "intersex" or just to want to be as sexless. I need to talk about this I know. That's why I'm not sure I'd go for top surgery to remove my breasts however I wouldn't mind a comfortable binder to just....hide them. Make me seem more masculine. 

As for packing it something that I want to do. Some days I do stand to pee so this would make it all so much easier for me. I'm a little worried about the technicalities of it all so I probably wouldn't use it out in public until I am fully confident I could use one without suspicion but I do want to wear one. I know I won't be able to fully transition but I'm hoping these steps will help me with my dysphoria. 

I want to gets resources ready for questions; I might give my mother this blog to read but I'm also worried certain parts might upset her. I know sometimes this blog is a really hard read and for that I greatly thank all my followers for putting up with me and my therapeutic rambling. The best easy resource I know is 'The Gender Book' which was written as a children's information book but is a really good resource for people of all ages. I do have the PDF on my phone and really wish that I could buy the hardcopy but sadly they have yet to publish. I'm hoping second time around things will be better and my family will make steps to educate themselves. I just want to be accepted and loved and in a world where transphobia and binarism doesn't exist. I might share 'The Gender Book' with my mother and see if this helps her understand a bit more about my gender. I've done my best to explain dysphoria, using an alien as an analogy. I'm not sure I was helpful but only time will time. 

I'm out and I'm proud and I'm hoping for a new future. I'm going back to college so it looks like everything is looking up. I think the only think that hasn't changed it that I would like to take a writer's workshop and make more steps to be a successful and professional writer. I want to change the media for non-binary people, I want us to be represented positivity. I don't want other people to grow up like I did without any source of information and representation and feeling like a freak. I know I can write wonderful stories that include non-binary characters. Here's two a hopefully brighter future.

The Murder Of Jesse Hernamdaz

This blog is used to discuss insight on being LGBT and living in Wales. However there is a news case which needs to be looked upon from the racism and lesbianphobia point of view, especially from someone who is non-binary.

 

The case is teenage Jesse Hernamdaz, a lesbian Latino who was murdered by police officers over a car. Yes that's right, she wasn't dangerous but the car happened to be valued more then brown lives. Jesse, along with four other friends, stole a car. Yes theft it wrong and no one is trying to justify that she's stealing a car but Jesse is not the first teenager to joyride. Sometimes teenagers screw up and make mistakes. The issue is not that she committed theft is that police officers in Denver opened fire on a car full of teenagers and killed Jesse. They were just children; can you imagine the fear and horror they must have been feeling? In schools we are taught from a young age that police are the "good guys" and they are going to protect us but here they are murdering a teenager?

 

But what happened?

 

On the 26th January police were called over what was described as "suspicious" vehicle, the car was stolen and had five teenagers messing around in it. Taking videos, laughing and having a good time. None of these children were doing anything dangerous, none of them were doing anything that meant lethal force would have been necessary. It was a parked car with teenagers listening to music. Now what police officers would have done is question the teenagers, run the number plates and made peaceful arrests. That's how it goes when children are joyriding.  You give them a slap on the wrist-of course never literally-and you hope the process of being caught makes them never want to joyride again. That's not what happened in Denver.

 

Police approached the car and started yelling for the teenagers to get out of the car. A scary experience for a group of teenagers to have police officers yelling at them. Before they got process what was going on a police officer fired as Jesse from the window. You're sixteen and you've just been shot. I can not imagine how terrified Jesse and her friends were, they must have been so terrified beyond belief. How is a car worth more then the life of a sixteen year old child? These children weren't doing anything that required brute force, just cowardly police officers who opened fire on a car full of children. Jesse then started the car and one of the police officers got hit. Jesse was being shot at, she was a scared sixteen year old who had no one around to protect her. She either hit the police officer in self defence as he was firing bullets at her or in accident as she tried to get the car full of her friends away to safety. Police however kept firing bullets into Jesse until she was dead so we'll never hear her story. They silenced her, they murdered her.

 

Unfortunately the ordeal they experienced was not over.  The four other passengers were left screaming and terrified as they watched helpless as police officers dragged Jesse's dead body from the car, handcuff her and search her before leaving her on the floor. A video captured this, Jesse is limp, motionless and unresponsive as police officers move around her, rolling her on her stomach and back searching her. Eyewitnesses stated that they could hear the terrified teenagers screaming that she was dead. This trauma they'll have to live with for the rest of their life. Jesse was murdered in cold blood; that somehow stealing a car justifies being murdered. Yes theft is a crime but last time I checked murder was a more serious crime.

 

Here's the thing Jesse was brown. She was a brown Latina. She was also dressed in a masculine way. We need to realise that what happened to Jesse was police brutality but it was also a hate crime because Jesse was a brown lesbian Latina. You can make claims that they couldn't possibly know but that's not how bigotry works. Bigotry works based on stereotyping and using that stereotype to fuel their prejudice and ignorance. The terms "you look so white" and "you don't dress like a lesbian" come from that some people don't fit the narrow minded stereotype that bigots want them to fit. Because people aren't so simple to fit into one role but prejudice demands that oppressed people do. Jesse was stereotyped because of the way she dressed. Someone on Twitter posted that gender expression is a privilege that brown and black people don't have, this is because this could mean life or death thanks to white supremacy.

When the police officers saw Jesse's clothing they stereotyped her as a "thug" and a "butch lesbian". Both are always meet with open and deadly violence. Look back at the Travon Martin case, Travon was a teenager who was murdered after being stalked about he was wearing a hoodie. Travon went out to buy a bag of Skittles and was seen as a "thug" because he wore a hoodie. George Zimmerman decided that Travon was a thug because he was black and in a hoodie. A more recent case is that of Mike Brown, another black youth who was murdered by a police officer simply because he was stereotyped as a thug based on what he was wearing. I walk though the streets and see teenagers in hoodies and baseball caps and sweat pants or baggy jeans and scuffy teenagers all the time, its just street fashion. They all want to dress "edgy" and look the same as their friends, we sometimes forget that boys face social pressures of dressing fashionable as well. However a white person is never considered a thug for the way they dressed but when a brown and black person does they are considered a thug and therefore dangerous.

As a DFAB person I know that discrimination is different when you are masculine and when you are feminine. Butch lesbians or lesbians who dress masculine when they don't like the term butch are targets of violence. This is the myth that because a lesbian dresses like a boy she must apparently won't do be a boy-gender expression and sexual orientation are often confused. Jesse didn't want to be a boy she just enjoyed more "masculine" clothing as oppressed to dresses and pink t-shirts. There are some days that I dress more masculine then I do feminine. In a world where the minute a straight girl wants to dress more "tomboyish" she's automatically seen as a lesbian until she gets a boyfriend what do you think this means for lesbians? The butch lesbian is the "default" image of a lesbian, ignorance leads people to believe that feminine girls are straight and all masculine girls are simply gay. This is hardly realistic but bigotry is never created to be realistic. I remember reading a news report on Pink News a few years back about a lesbian parent was beaten brutality because she was butch. In the attacker's mind she wanted to be man so he'd treat her like a man, even though she was reported crying and pleading and reaffirming that she was female. Butch lesbians are faced with more physical assault and violence.

As we have a brown lesbian who's sitting in a stolen car. Police walked over to her and once they get a good look at her their minds jump to "thug." "dyke". They stopped caring about the law and they stopped caring about the life of a brown lesbian. This was a hate crime, this is why everyone should care including the non-binary community. Jesse could have been all of us. Anyone of us could be dressed masculinely and many of us are brown.

Some people don't think stereotyping is harmful or hurts anyone. Jesse proves that it does. She was murdered because of her appearance. She was murdered because cars are valued more then the life of a brown child. Jesse's parents will never see their daughter again, they won't be able to visit her graduation because Jesse will never be able to graduate, they won't be able to see Jesse off the college because Jesse will never be able to go to college, they won't be able to ever see Jesse again because Jesse was murdered over a car. The police who opened fire on a car full of unarmed teenagers aren't be charged with murder even though they killed a child and endangered four more. They are being allowed to continue their life and Jesse will never be able to live her dreams, grow up, experience the world, even wake up.

Jesse was a victim of racism and lesbianphobia. We need to address this as a hate crime because it was a hate crime. Jesse was murdered and police brutality needs to be addressed. Why did they even need to be weapons to investigate a car full of unarmed teenagers? Why wasn't Jesse given the chance to exit the car? Why was the first reaction of every racist police officer to murder unarmed children like Jesse?

Chivalry In Non-Binary

I don't know if its the patriotic British in me that gives me my fascination with royalty and nobility and knights or if its something else but I do. I love the whole highness thing, right down to chivalry. When most people think of chivalry, probably thanks to Americans who have no history of monarchy or knights, think of men holding doors open for women. Ironically a knight would never hold the door open, not out of disrespect but the footmen (normally two out of the household's valets) would be the ones to hold open the door for noblewomen or gentlewomen. As footmen are valets not knights they would not be considered chivalrous and it would be unheard of an knight, a low noblemen, doing the work of a valet. 

So what is chivalry? Chivalry is a code of conduct that knights practised based on honour, valour, bravery, religion and morality. None of these things are not bad things, I believe that chivalry can still exist today within British culture. I also believe atheists can be chivalrous without having a religion. The code was ten simple steps.

1. Thou shalt believe all the Church teaches and shalt observe all its directions.
2. Thou shalt defend the Church.
3. Thou shalt respect all weaknesses, and shalt constitute thyself the defender of them.
4. Thou shalt love thy country in which thou wast born.
5. Thou shalt not recoil before thine enemy.
6. Thou shalt make war against the infidel without cessation and without mercy.
7. Thou shalt perform scrupulously thy feudal duties, if they be not contrary to the Laws Of God.
8. Thou shalt never lie, and shalt remain faithful to thy pledged word.
9. Thou shalt be generous, and give largeness to everyone.
10. Thou shalt be everywhere and always the the champion of right and the good against the injustice and the evil. 

I don't know if anyone here watches 'Game Of Thrones' by you will notice that Ser Jaime Lannister is often treated with disdain because he is a "kingslayer" despite that everyone wanted to kill the King. This is due to that as a knight and a member of the King's Guard Jaime took an oath to protect the King at all costs. Technically while everyone else was just in a rebellion where else Jaime was committing the greatest portrayal for a knight. One could argue that he was being the champion of right and good but remember Jaime never told anyone the reason.

As a Wiccan the code changes slightly for me. I believe we can all apply the code to our philosophical and religious believes. In modern day Britain one can be female and a knight. All knights, both male and female, can be chivalrous. Of course it is worth noting that you do not have to be chivalrous to be a knight, you just have to be bring honour and extinction to the UK. Times have changed and I believe in the common people can be chivalrous and considered such. Even those who are non-binary.

I am a pangender person. I believe that I can follow my Chivalric code. Well male knights are a Sir and female knights are a Dame we have yet to see a title suitable for non-binary people who are given knighthood. I would like to the this changed in the future but until then I shall work on being as chivalrous as I can be. I'll admit I would love the honour of receiving a knighthood but it doesn't seem that the UK have made it possible for non-binary knights. Even most applications and forms I have to fill in don't have the option of Mx. Chivalry is not just for male knights, its not even just for knights. Chivalry is for those who chosen to follow a moral code of honour, valour, patriotism and religious. I am non-binary and I am chivalrous. My chivalric code goes as followed.

1. One shall believe all the Wiccan rede teaches and honour it always. 
2. One shall defend the God and Goddess.
3. One shall respect those who are innocent and defend them always.
4. One shall love and honour the country one was born.
5. One shall not surrender before the enemy.
6. One shall make war against the wicked in interest of defending and protecting the innocent.
7. One shall perform all feudal duties as all as they do not violate the Wiccan rede.
8. One shall never lie and always be faithful to pledged word.
9. One shall be generous and always give what they can.
10. One shall be the Champion of The Right and The Good against The Injustice and The Evil everywhere and always.

Notice how I have used the gender neutral "one" as this is not just for non-binary people, this is for all Wiccans who would like to be chivalrous. I encourage all non-binary to make an effort of chivalry. You can not be knighted, we can not receive honours, we are trapped in a world of hatred and erasure, we need to remember to stay true to who we are. I believe that a Chivalric code can give us a sense of who to support in times of terror, in times where justice is blurred. I believe that Chivalric code will who us with extinction, will show us with honour.

I fully believe that there is nothing that prevents non-binary people from being chivalrous. Chivalry was never gendered but used commonly in a time of great sexism; however the ideals behind it are something that we should try to keep alive. Perhaps I am being too traditional but really what is wrong with defending my God and Goddess? Or protecting the innocent? Or being generous? This is what chivalry is. I am not sure chivalry is even as dead as many people claim. Looking at this I can think of many people who do chivalrous acts without even realising. I admit greed is rising while generosity is dying but this can be changed. 

I am all for equality but it is equality to support women and non-binary people to act chivalrous if they choose. I am proud to say that I am a chivalrous pangender ouman. 

Queer? The Worst Thing In The World?

I know sometimes I have a tendency to accidentally ignore and neglect my social media and other internet sites. I am trying to change this. I want to become more active again. I'm going to be twenty come this April-a huge mile when you considered this blog was started when I was still just eighteen. I am trying to become my own person and fully embrace myself.

 

I'm having a rather hard day gender wise. I'm all wrong. I don't want my breasts and I want a penis. Sometimes I'm glad I gave myself a gender neutral name like Morgan. But I don't want to talk about my gender dyphoria. I want to talk about a comment made by a close and very good friend of mine on Friday, one that anyone who is LGBTIQA has probably heard a thousand times over. Its born out of simply ignorance and quiet frankly can be frustrating and annoying.

 

Now before I start I want to make it very clear that I am not trying to shame anyone or make accusations. However the purpose of this blog is too discuss and offer insight of certain things for an queer person's perspective. I just want to talk a look into an ignorant comment which I am sure we hear over hundred times a day; however this conversation did inspire me to write my blog. My friend's twenty-first is coming up and either of us are big party going people. We don't go out Friday's nights hitting the nightclubs or waking up in the mornings with massive hangovers. In fact the one time we need decide to go to an nightclub, we changed our mind and went to the cinema instead. So naturally a long night of heavy drinking so no one's idea of fun. Previously we had done cinema trips, bowling trip, and meals out-to us this is a fun way to celebrate our birthdays. But seeing as we are both making some type of income right now I suggested something different as we can afford to go to the cinema more often now. I suggested a trip in the ice rink. My friend loves to watch figure skaters and daydream about figure staking and I went once when I was about twelve or thirteen with a youth group. I enjoyed myself a lot and thought it would be fun, even if we are both lacking in experience. She also thought it would be a great idea but there was one little comment that drawled on me. She didn't want to hold hands because we didn't want people to think she was a lesbian. Now we're not very holdy handy being nineteen and twenty, we hug hello and goodbye but the touchy feely got outgrown along with the embarrassing vampire phase. (Don't get me wrong we still love 'Twilight' but I wouldn't stay we were in a vampire phase anymore-although she can be an bit of an expert on modern vampireism.) So I wonder why this was a comment that even came up.

I don't see ice skating as practically romantic, its a sport after all. Sports can be fun or very professional depending on the person. However what made that comment pop up? I suppose its just basic day old ignorance but it does show the difference between someone who is homosexual or bisexual or pansexual as opposed to someone who is heterosexual. Personally I don't mind if someone confused me as a lesbian. I'm not, not even a girl most days but if I'm feeling a like a "girl" and feminine and I'm walking with a girlfriend or even a gal friend it doesn't bother me. (note I never use girlfriend where I mean gal friend.) Why? Because I am queer, I don't care who knows it despite being rather closeted in the house about my gender. I am more concerned about being attacked in the street or getting slurs thrown at me or other forms of gross discrimination. I'm more worried about street preachers pulling me over to tell me I should burn in hell or political parties trying to revoke my civil rights as a human being. I don't fear being seen as queer I fear the bigotry that comes with it.

I don't really know why being seen as queer is the worst thing in the world. A simple "oh know we're not a couple" is a polite way to correct people but when we as human beings stop showing affection for gal friends and guy friends because we fear that we'll be seen as a queer then maybe we need to stop and think. I want to ask all my straight readers can they really tell me what is the worst thing about being seen as queer? To me it seems ironic that people can claim they love people of all sexualities and even drag about how much LGBTIQA people have crushes and love them but then act so defensive when asked if they are LGBTIQA. I don't see the big deal. Everyone assumes that LGBTIQA are straight until we start locking lips anyway; people always make assumptions based on people. That's probably not a good thing and we should never make assumptions based on people that we do not know. However when its something so small and easily corrected why do we fear doing certain things?

As a white person, even with a biracial mother and being Arab with Romani heritage, I know I have a lot of privilege. Especially how I am not Muslim. People do not consider me Arab unless I tell them, it is my privilege that I can hide my true heritage. I don't have Molotov cocktails thrown into my house and I'm not attacked by the police based on religion or skin colour. I am fully aware that I have a good deal of white privilege, a lot more then a good deal of my own family members. I have a cousin the same age as me who is much darker skinned. We grew up with the same activities and the same interests, yet which one of us received it with more discrimination and prejudice? I force myself to regularly check my privilege and look into areas where people are being discriminated against. I believe we can not call ourselves non-racist until we do this because if we are hiding then we still benefit from the suffering of POC. I feel heterosexual people should spend some time checking their straight privilege and looking how to dismantle this by seeing where LGBTIQA people are discriminated against. For example I don't want to hear people talk about how open minded they are; that doesn't help the countless teenagers who are homeless or escaping abuse simply because they are queer. Now I understand that not everyone can afford to donate to charities like the 'Albert Kennedy Trust' and no should feel guilty for that but it takes nothing to realise that as a straight person you never or never will had to be scared that your living space with your parents would become so uncomfortable or even dangerous that you are forced to move onto the streets. This wouldn't happen if your parent found out you were straight, this is straight privilege. Recognising straight privilege and then raising awareness costs nothing. Look up the average rate of queer homelessness in your area and post about it. Simple things like this go alone way.

Straight privilege is being scared that someone thinks you are a queer, however being queer is being scared that someone will hate you for being queer. 

But How Could You?

I am so full of rage and hated, I don't want to be but I am. I guess I don't really have much of a life, it seems to be the burden of all trans and non-binary people to live harsh lives full of sorrow. Now my life isn't bad because I am non-binary, I am closeted after all but my gender does play a part no matter how I am hidden.

Today started out okay, I guess. I did a food shop with my mother in town, one woman who apperently gendered wrapping paper called me a "girl" but I didn't say anything. I get it, narrow minded people associate breasts with being a "girl" but at nineteen am I really even in the right age range for that? But then again I do call myself an enby which is the closted thing to an non-binary equalifient. I wish for was more words to describe me. But in whole the trip was great, I could pretend I was normal for once.

But then I came out. My mother's loser-jerk of a husband had invadied and violented my privacy. I was so angry that I screamed and yelled at him; I can't believe she remarried him sometimes. When she divorced him I finally believed that I could truly be part of the family. How wrong was I? Either way after everything he did to me she still decided to take him back.

Its ironic her sister and my sister had one fight and she totally cuts my auntie out of her life for my sister yet she was okay to force me to move back in with that lowlife. I once asked that I never had to see him, he was still in our house the whole time. She's can't do nothing for me, she doesn't care to even try.

Its not like this is the first time, the man has always always resented me. Growing up I was repeately told to "go fuck off and find your real Dad" and reminded completely as my status as a bastard child. When they first seperated he even called me up and told me I wasn't allowed to even speak to my own sister. Its a joke really, everyone pretends he loves me and in reality he goes out of his way to make me feel so worthless that I have self harmed and tried to commit suicide. He hates me but no one cares.

When I was out about my gender identity he was cruel, heartless and transphobic. I believe I have mentioned before how he'd purposely misgender me and tell me I was "born female" even though I wasn't. I was born pangender but defined female at birth because of my vagina. He's a heartless man and I hate him.

I know this may seem harsh but I hate her too. I hate her for knowing everything he has ever done to me, even agreeing that it was wrong and still remarrying him forcing me to live with him. Once I have the means to move out I don't see myself visiting. Even though I still love my mother I never want to be near him. As far as I'm concerned he's an emotional abuser and she doesn't care less.

I wonder why everyone hates me. I feel so trapped without a computer. I want to apply to diffferent housing associations and charities for housing, I want to find a job to support myself so I can move out and far away, I just want to be free. I want to run away where I can be myself and live according to my gender and maybe even do a somewhat type of transistion.

Sometimes it seems the only way I'll be free is in death.

Confessions Of Morgan.

I believe my last blog post was an upsetting one, one written in the mist of depression and a broken heart. I still sometimes wonder why I am so different? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe some children are just born evil and twisted and unlovable.

I am rarely on Twitter now but I am trying to change this. I have also made several drafts but due to still no computer access of my own I have not been able to publish. I can not remember if this was published or written in a draft somewhere but I did start a new job. My step-father hired me part-time for two days a week. I feel like such a fool when I look back at my drafts because I wrote how excited I was. I worked have worked so hard; I had always taken such pride in my work even at a previous job where I was meet with sexism and even a sexual harassment comment. But I was fired after two weeks. I should have known based on past experiences that he would be a jerk about it. He's too unprofessional and has too much resentment towards me. I wasn't fired for anything I did on the top, I was fired outside work for not allowing to throw his seventeen year old daughter's clothes down the stairs. I'll be honest, I was heartbroken. Even though I should be used to this by now, the very reason I took out my phone contracts was because he would take the phone away from whenever he paid for them. He hates me. He hates me and no one cares.

It's like the same day he fired me he came into my room that night. He called me an ungrateful dyke and told me how he was giving all his "grateful" children money. No one listens though, no they listen they just don't care. My mother has turned into a joke; she keeps yelling at me and claiming he planned on giving me money too, that its all in my head and that I turned him down. He never offered me money. I honestly can't even picture him doing a nice thing for me. She tells me stories sometimes of how he'd do nice things for me when I was little....funny how that was before he had any children of his own. I suppose I could crush her fantasties by showing her the texts I sent my friend just moments after he had. We spent ten minutes laughing at how immature and pathetic he was.

I know none of them could love me. I tried coming out to them as pangender and look how that turned out. If they can not expect my gender identity, if they can not care about my dysphoria, if they can not even be willing to use my correct pronouns then how can they even claim to love me? What they love is the idea of what they have pictured in their heads. They love the closeted illusion I protray but they don't love the real me. The one deep down inside.

I wish I had happier things to write about but I don't. When you are a non-binary person who can not even bind or take hornmones then life just isn't happy. I think my dysphoria may have caused some depression too. I know I do have depression but I am starting to believe that some of my depression may be dysphoria based.

I wish I had someone to turn too, someone I could take to about these things, someone who would listen and not judge. No one really understands what it is like for me. And how could anyone? I hurts that no one even tries though.

I feel so alone and lost and I'm always hurting. I spent Samhain alone this year; I am not expecting a conversion but just some understanding would be nice. I know I'll spend Yule alone yet be expected to join in the Christmas celebration. What is the point in Christmas anyway? Jesus, if he was even real, was born in the spring.