Hello Again

It has been over a month since I last blogged. I have made several posts in the time I have been away but they all ended up unfinished and in drafts. I am still active on Tumblr, I am not going anywhere. I do still hope to educate people and offer insight to what it means to be pangender. This is still an active blog and I hope to be able to update more regularly again. Just so much emotional stuff has happened and its put a damper on my writing and prevented me from finishing blog posts. 

I am now open as pangender in my family home. It didn't make anything easier but harder. No one seems to use the right pronouns and I am repeatedly introduced as "daughter" and "sister". I have expressed my discomfort with this many times but I am always meet with that everything about my gender is just too confusing to them. This is so hard and it hurts and sometimes does lead to self harming. I am not suicidal but I do have depression and find sometimes causing myself physical pain helps cope with the emotional pain however unhealthy that may be. It has been my coping device since I was very young and have seen a psychologist about it. Misgendering seems to be around me in my everyday life and this causing me a lot of issues. I thought being pangender would open up a kinder home to me but that is not the case at all. My step-father for the second time seems hell bent on reminding me that "breasts" and "vagina" must mean I am a "girl" no matter how many times I try to be seen as a pangender enby. My family life is no more open to my gender identity then they are about my sexual orientation. I want to move out more then ever but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen soon. The council hasn't gotten back to me about council housing yet and I have no money of myself. I have applied a few times to Job Seekers but so far nothing has been done. 

My mother is remarried and I did end up going to the wedding. Not because I wanted too but because of some horrible deal. I am in debt with the bank and do owe them £98.70 pound and am no closer to get a job or any source of income and its actually really frightening. I made an agreement to go to their wedding if they made my debt which so far they have yet to do. The wedding in general was just awful. I looked disgusting. Maybe that is lack of confidence. I am unhappy with my hair and I was dressed in a shirt that belonged to my mother and old work trousers. Everything was too tight and I was having a really dysphoric day and resented my "female" body. I didn't like my curves and my breasts seemed thousands times bigger to me then they actually were and being surrounded by so many eyes made me self concious. I have made a few comments about wanting a binder for days where I just can't stand my "female" body however I just know I won't get one unless I can magically find the money myself. The whole time I was at the wedding I left more and more out of place and that I didn't belong in the family. I don't feel like I'm a real part of the family, I am just an outsider who lives in the house who they don't even respect enough to properly gender. I was never part of a close happy family but I always thought I had something....after the wedding I realised how wrong I was. I was just a space. Just there without any real meaning. 

The whole family, minus myself, is now in Italy on holiday. Them being away has had some benefits for me. I have not hurt myself once and I don't have to deal with people misgendering me. I feel I have been happier since they have left and more myself. I don't have to deal with the hard stuff and I am considering cutting off my hair and trying to reach a style that suits me more and makes me more comfortable. Recently I am loving the more shorter styles lately and luckily I do have a friend who took a hairdressing course in college and if I need a free haircut I can ask her and pay her back with a delicious meal. I can make some great vegan pasta with sauce and vegan fish-styled stakes with she might enjoy. I have actually got the house to myself for the whole two weeks, everyone has already been gone for almost a whole week. I have plenty of food and am able to do with the cleaning. If anything this will be a positive experience for me for when I do live on my owe. I have proven that I do indeed know how to take care of myself. I can manage fine on my own.....I just need a job so I can provide for myself. Or at the very least benefits until I can get a job. I do know that now emotionally and mentally I can cope fine on my own and that it would even be better for my mental health. Money is still an issue and I do need to find a place on my own if the council don't respond. I don't know how long I will be on the waiting list for but for now I am on one. 

I think that's all the news I have to share. Everything has happened for a while and I am glad that I can respond now and message back everything. I also want to make more fashions for non-binary and genderqueer people. For me personally sometimes its hard because everything is so focused on the gender binary. What would be amazing would be shops specially for non-binary people. I also want to start writing more of my own works as well as fan fictions. My favourite fan fictions are the ones that focus on non-binary genderbends on the characters or even trans genderbends. Sadly there seems to be little of this but very cisgender based fan fiction. I would love to focus on that. Especially pangender characters. In my head I might start reading all my favourite characters as pangender. I just want to see more pangender representation as well as more trans and non-binary representation. 

That's what is so important when I write. Making sure people can find characters that they can relate too on a gender identity and sexual orientation level which is important. I want cisgender and heterosexual to stop being the norm, the default. Until stated I don't want people to assume characters are cisgender or heterosexual. Representation is important because I don't want people to assume or even demand that I must be a woman because I have a vagina and a uterus. I want people to see no matter how I dress or how I chose to present myself that I am pangender. I am a pangender enby and I am happy with myself. I want people to see me for who I am. Not the gender they try to force on me. The binarist world we live in where it is "pink for girls, blue for boys" and often tries to ignore my gender. Erasure and discrimination are part of my daily life, I guess that's why I love the internet so much. I'm safe online for the most part and often find more people who will respect me.

There is enough non-binary erasure in the English language and many other languages. I have looked into inventing my own words and using them in everyday life. If I study linguistics and add my new words to online dictionaries and use them in my books then hopefully they will catch on and everyone can use words that they like. I'm not sure how translation would work but I assume this would encourage people of other languages to create more words to "fit" non-binary people too. If words can become a part of the English language and well used then non-binary people won't be discriminated against as much. Erasure is a large part of discrimination that non-binary people face.

I wanted to say a lot more on my return but I don't know what else I can put into words. Everything is complicated. Given Tumblr's fake social justice obsession to police pangender people and make unfair accusations against us I am determined to set up a secondary Tumblr to educate more people and offer a safe space for pangender people facing prejudice. This is still a works in process but something I do want to do and probably well. Pangender should not be shut out of our own community but welcomed liked everyone else. We are not criminals and this bullying only exists on Tumblr. Tumblr is suppose to be a safe space but there is not safe space for people who are pangender.

But now I leave and continue to blog tomorrow.