I know it has been so long but I needed to take time away. Everything is so hard lately. I just don't know how to put everything in to words but I am hoping it will be therapeutic for me. I have always found opening up to be therapeutic and helpful to me.
Most of you have been here before. Many of you know that my name is Morgan Taylor Kaged and that I am pangender. That I do not feel like I am a "women" but rather that I was born with the wrong genitals. Many of you also know that since I have came out that family life has not been easy for me. That I faced with daily bigotry and ignorance and erasure. That I have contemplated and hoped to move out. Recently in the time we have been parted I have done something that be made out of internalised hatred or maybe just desperation to be accepted. I have gone back into the closet about my gender as it were. I have hidden myself from people who are supposed to love and accept me no matter what. I pretend to be cisgender in the home where I live in secrets. Everyday I hear the words "daughter" and "she" and "sister" and I can not speak up, I can not defend myself.
I have started roleplaying again; this gives me peace. It is fun and friendly and I don't have to worry about a thing. I have a Scott McCall role playing account on Tumblr at littleredtruealpha but have unfortunately had to go on a hiatus. My laptop is currently broke; it has been on its last legs for some time now. What happened was when my little brother pushed my laptop off my lap the pin on the hard drive broke. Its been sent off but I have to wait a week or two before the hard drive can be replaced. My computer skills are limited and I unfortunately do not know enough to replace an whole hard drive but I am learning to advance my skills. I enjoy computers a lot so learning more would be great.
I am also starting a new job in October. My step-father gave me a part time job in his office for two days. Its eight hours and its a quiet office. I can manage that. When it comes to the "adult world" sometimes I find that my Autism prevents me from fully experiencing the world. That it makes everyday tasks harder and sometimes I can not cope. I am happy for this opportunity to work and earn some money for myself even though it means I must face hearing "miss" instead of "mx" which is my legal title. I am too nervous to correct this though as well I would have no way to not come out of the closet at home. I will have to suffer in silence.
It hurts that after months and months of being free that I must trap myself once more but it was so hard. I couldn't take the consent bigotry, I was not strong enough. Yes I am a coward but I will willingly admit to being one. I know I am harming the non-binary community by my actions but I can not help it. I am also a coward as I am a avid activist. I stand for rights for non-binary genders and sexes but I do not have the courage to be open in my own home. I still openly out on Facebook and with my friends though. I find that I have been blessed to have wonderful and acceptable friends. I just wish the same could be said of my family.
In the meantime I will focus more on my writing again. I will admit in my time away I was not focusing as much but now I am ready. If I can not be open then I shall do my best to normalise non-binary genders and intersex individuals as well as homosexual, bisexual, asexual and pansexual individuals. Maybe if I normalise them then I can make the world a better place, one where I can more easily come out and be myself.
I am also considering deleting my Tumblr and starting a new one free from fandom wank. I do love to engage in social justice within fandom areas but I joined Tumblr to escape the real world not deal with issues. However misogyny and femmephobia are rampant within fandoms as well as racism so I am not sure I can simply ignore it. In my own fandoms I have seen ableism grow everyday....it is something I am considering but it is not finale yet. I have until my computer is fixed to decide I suppose.
I believe this to be short post, especially from someone who has been away for so long. However I have nothing more to say and at this point I would be endlessly repeating myself. I will try to communicate more often as I feel this blog is not only helpful to me but helpful to everyone else who reads as well. It is nice for everyone to know that they are not alone.
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