This May Be My Last Post

I finally managed to save up enough money to buy a new computer; I am so thrilled because it means I'll be able to do the things that I want online. I can write more, research more, play more, talk more, do anything. It's a small one, only eleven inches, but it's a good make and it gives me more freedom. However even after plans to be able to blog regularly like I wanted, I am not sure that I will.

It recently came to my attention that someone was able to hack this account and has deleted numerous blog posts. I feel as if they have rewritten what I enjoyed doing the most and the meaning of way this blog was created in the first place. I am heartbroken that someone would do this to me. The posts that were deleted all have one thing in common; they all mentioned my personal experiences that made me uncomfortable with the trans by choice "tucute" people on Tumblr and why I was refusing to identify with them and now identifying with transmedicalists. I think it is appalling and cowardly if you need to erase the experiences of a transgender people so you can continue to wear transgender people like a fashion accessory but not just to ignore the experiences to hack though a personal accent meant to help with dysphoria and depression and rewrite and delete posts. This is basically rewriting because people can not bare to think of the transphobia they are contributing too and the harmful toxics people within that community that you must silence tran's peoples voices. 

I am not sure I feel comfortable on this blog any more, to hack this someone would have had to get into my emails which means someone was able to find out all sorts of personal information about me. I don't want to be doxxed or blackmailed or threatened but I do not appreciate being turned into something I am not. I am what people call scum because how dare I not want the medical help I need and not want to be seen as a choice. I am angry at what has happened but I am also afraid. I don't feel safe on the internet which is a shame because this blog was really helping me. I was so excited to get my computer and go back to blogging but now I don't feel that I can.This experience has shocked me and made me not want to use my social media.

Transgender and non-binary lives are hard, we are invalidated and face oppression daily. Many face being met with violence, corrective rapes, and even murder. We are denied access to toilets and many are made homeless and refused work. The last thing that we need is to be turned into scum, to be turned into a fashion accessory, to be told that our dysphoria is just self-hate, and that their suffering is a choice. These were my experiences and these were erased to silence me. This is a cowardly act and I am against it. I am upset. I don't understand how anyone could do this, I try to be a nice human being, I don't want to hurt anyone, this blog was created to help me mentally. This was a coping method and now it has been taken away from me. I can't believe some people would do this, it's the description what this blog is about, there are several posts where I talk about serious depression and what can be seen as suicidal thoughts. You have to really hate transgender and non-binary people to silence them on a blog that's to help with mental illnesses. 

This may be my last post, I don't feel safe here any more. This is an horrific experience and I feel so violated. Yes I posted personal things on here but that doesn't give anyone the right to hack my account and delete posts. Posts I made as a coping method, to show my views to help me and to help others. This is unacceptable behaviour and I am devastated that someone would do this. I am a human being and I am worthy of respect. If I had been telling this naive little cisgender teenagers that it was okay to turn being transgender into a joke and appropriate the transgender movement then I honestly don't believe this would happen. Because real transgender people do not need to silence others to validate their struggles because they're struggles are real. Someone not using silly nounself pronouns is not a real struggle, not when people are murdered when they leave their house. I feel this was way; they don't like being exposed for their transphobia by transgender people, they don't like transgender people taking about what it really is being transgender, and they don't like real transgender people. I was silenced for being pangender. 

Even as I am writing this I don't feel safe and I am worried about this post being removed. I know at nineteen I should be a grown up and move past this but I have a history of bullying and I don't cope well with these situations. My depression gives me anxiety and my Autism also effects how I handle these situations. I don't deal or cope with them well so for my health I feel it would be best to remove me from them. The irony that I started this blog to help me cope and now it has been taken from me and used to cause me pain and suffering. I was finally able to come back but I am not sure I can even stay here. I honestly don't feel safe, maybe I'll delete and start a new blog somewhere. One just for my transgender and non-binary feelings and issues. I am sadden that it has to come to this but I can not stay somewhere that would cause me anxiety. My final decision has not been made yet as before this horrible thing happened this blog did really help me in some many ways. This was a life line when I was on the edge and so many posts where written with tears sliding down my face. But now I don't even feel safe using my Tumblr or Twitter accounts. 

I guess we will see as time goes on. But for now....goodbye. Maybe forever or maybe I'll have the courage to continue to raise awareness and offer my insight on certain topics.