Fan Girl And Fan Boy But What Am I?

I am not ashamed to say that yes, I am a fan. I get obsess over shows, follow the cast and crew, reblog endless scenes, scroll though thousands of meta and theories, the list could go on. But what am I? There are two terms, fan girl and fan boy. You either fan girl over something or you fan boy over something. Which is great if you are cis or trans but what about when you are not on the gender binary?

Its hard being in the fandom because non-binary fans are often overlooked. We don't full into category, we are felt out of posts calling for "all fan girls/boys", we are ignored. I don't think every fan discriminates against non-binary people but the pangender who loves their fandoms and loves to express themselves I just wish their was a more gender neutral term that was widely used. That people will recognize like they recognize fan girl and fan boy.

Maybe I am being petty, but it sucks that all my friends can add fan girl and fan boy to their profile and I have nothing to add to mine. Yes I can proudly proclaim my nerdish, my geek habits and my ability to be a dork but its not the same thing. I am more then a fan, I am in the fandom, I have such a devotion but I'll never get to show it. I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way. I have seen many non-binary users wonder what they should call themselves, how in 2014 the fact that we are still so binary biased that many non-binary fans get over looked. We are ignored, we shoved on a self because we don't "fit". We're the mismatched accessory in a bedroom that nobody likes but can't just throw it out either. 

I don't want to be ignored by the fandom that I have given so much time and love into. Its not just in fandoms, in shows we are overlooked, in books, in the media. Everyone asks for some trans characters and representation but no one ever asks for non-binary representation. We are shut out. Yes there is a cisgender bias, not privilege. I don't believe in the term and its unfair to shame people because they are cisgender. No one asked for their gender anymore then I asked for mine. 

So where do we non-binary fans fall into? Fans? It just doesn't have the same meaning and significance as fan girl or fan boy does. You tell someone you are a fan girl or fan boy there is so much about you that people know. I want some recognize and less binary terms, not everything falls under "boy" and "girl".

I have heard the term fan warrior used once by a user. They were also pangender. Honestly I love the idea and I do feel if it got recognized enough it could carry the same significance and meaning as fan boy and fan girl; its gender neutral and powerful which is a bonus.

My last two blog posts have been much smaller then I would have liked for a serious and steady blog. I promise to fix this and try for 1000 words minimum in future.  

The Pronoun Game

When it comes to being a cisgender or transgender person the pronouns are simply; she or he. When you are non-binary or pangender such as myself the pronouns become a little harder. Its not as simple or as clean cut anymore and each person's personal pronouns are completely different. The most important thing with pronouns is that the person feels most comfortable and are not offended by the pronoun of choice. I always try to avoid pronouns if I can unless I know the person and their preferred pronoun. 

When it comes to myself I'm unsure what exactly my preferred pronoun is. I talk about myself a lot in the third person, when I am not writing that is. Such as this morning I went "If you need me, Morgan will be in Morgan's room." its more a force of habit then anything else. But wouldn't it be so much easier if people didn't feel compelled to use pronouns and just used Morgan as much as they could? Even then that still begs the question which pronoun do people use when this is not possible?

At the current time in my life I am not sure which pronouns I feel most comfortable with; I guess I am not to fussy which them to so means. I don't mind she pronouns and titles associated with girls however there are times where I would like he pronouns and times where I would like xe pronouns. I suppose in general I do like to swap and change pronouns based on how I am feeling that day but I don't think I would mind so much if someone called me by anything else. Currently everyone always uses she pronouns, this doesn't offend me or upset me in anyway but that does not make it easier for me. I have seen it pronouns used, honestly I think this would be the only pronoun that would offend me. It sounds so dehumanizing and horrible; do people really wish to be called it?

In whole I am as happy with she as with he as with xe and I would not object to they or other gender neutral pronouns. As long as it is left out of the picture. I am not an it I am a human being after all. It is a term for objects. However if someone specifically said they're preferred pronoun was it I would stomach my discomfort and address them as so.

Which my pronouns I understand that the concept my be confusing. I don't expect people to fully understand straight away, especially to be people whom have never come across the term pangender before. However I do only wish that people take from this the importance of asking someone what their preferred pronoun may be and to use said pronoun. While I am as happy whichever is used some pangenders and other non-binary genders may not be. Some use one pronoun. It all depends on the individual person; I by no means wish to act as a spokesperson for the standards a pangender person should be. I only speak for myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I should care more about pronouns. Ever pangender person I have come across has been addressed with a different pronoun so it is hard for me see if I am "normal" by pangender standards. If others would mock me and declare how wrong I am. I suppose that happens in every gender, there is always one that questions you and feels you are not "acting" right. It could be based on how I dress to my pronouns to my name to anything about me. There will always be one but that still doesn't give me any reassurance.

There are many different forms of gender neutral pronouns. Some people do not know this and feel the only pronouns that exist are she and he. This is far from the truth; the pronouns are;

• He/him/his/himself
• She/her/hers/herself
• They/them/their/themself
• Tey/tem/ter/temself
• Ey/tem/ter/temself
• E/em/eir/emself
• Thon/thon/thons/thonself
• Fae/faer/faers/faerself
• Vae/vaer/vaers/vaerself
• Ae/aer/aers/aerself
• Ne/nym/nis/nymself
• Xe/nem/nir/nemself
• Xe/xim/xis/ximself
• Xie/xim/xyr/ximself
• Ze/Zir/Zirs.Zirself
• Zhe/zhir/zhirs/zhirself
• Ze/hir/hirs/hirself
• Sie/sier/siers/sierself
• Zed/zed/zeds/zedself
• Zed/zed/zeir/zedself
• Ce/cir/cirs/cirself
• Co/cos/cos/cirself
• Ve/vis/vir/verself
• Jee/jem/jeir/jemself
• Lee/lim/lis/limself
• Kye/kyr/kyne/kyrself
• Per/per/pers/perself
• Hu/hum/hus/humself
• Bun/bun/buns/bunself
• It/it/its/itself

I am sure there are others that I have forgotten to add but here are a good deal of the pronouns that people use. As you will see I have added the horrible and dreaded it. I wanted the list to be unbiased. I feel if people are more familiar with using different pronouns it could help stamp out the ignorance that many non-binary people face. 

On Facebook it asked me to give my preferred pronoun. The only options were she, he or them. I chose them because some days I don't feel she applies and I would rather it not used. I wouldn't get upset if someone did use she on those days but I don't think I would correct them either. So far I am so unsure of how I would ask people to use certain pronouns or even to avoid them all together. How does one even start that sentence or conversation?

Pronouns are a complicated business, maybe that is why I often wonder is it really so hard as to say Morgan's room, Morgan's drink. To avoid pronouns whenever. I feel if I opened up like this some people would avoid personal pronouns as to not get them wrong. 

An Introduction Of Sorts

My name is Morgan Taylor Kaged, sadly that is not official yet. I have been wanted to change my birth name for years. I just never felt truly comfortable with my birth name, based on more then just gender preferences. I am seeking out a legal name change. This will quickly take place as soon as I have money. I feel more comfortable as a Morgan. It suits me better, its a name I have been fond of for years and it also expresses my culture and heritage. Its a strong Welsh name. Its also gender neutral given there are many famous Morgans on all three biological sexes. Not that this matters much to me but its nice being able to give a name and not be pigeon holed for it-I find a name can have a huge impact on how people view your gender. It seems we live in a gender world where everything is "pink for girls and blue for boys". This issue is is that this does exclude Pangenders, Bigenders, Androgynes, Genderqueer, Genderfluid, Agenders and other non-binary people because were do we fit in this perfect world of "pink for girls and blue for boys"? 

I myself consider myself a writer. I do hope to publish novels and articles which help erase this image and give positive role models and messages to others who don't fit the status quo of cis and trans. I had a hard time with my gender identity. I don't came from a discriminating home but I do come from one who is ignorant and misguided and often does not understand how gender does not equal biological sex and the difference in sexual orientations. I also went to a school which only allowed one biological sex. Because of this growing up I often felt like a freak, like there was something wrong with me, that I just wasn't normal. The internet has played a huge factor of me discovering myself as a human being. I know I am not alone and that there are people like me. I also know that I do not have to be silent and it is easier to ask questions now. I do have supporting friends. 

I have asked people close to me to refer to me as Morgan and explained my plans for a legal name change. I haven't meet much resistance and everyone has been very supportive. I haven't actually explained my gender identity in person in such and such. My Twitter and Tumblr have me stated in the bio/description as Pangender and on Facebook I changed my gender to Pangender. While I haven't used the words, all my friends have access to my Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr while my family are all added to my Facebook other then the younger members who are too young for an account. I feel I will say it in words one day but right now I am unsure and nervous and wouldn't even know where to start. I have come out about my sexual orientation though, for quite some time though. Other then ignorant comments such as "isn't that the same as bi?" or "are you sure you're not straight?" I have been accepted by family and even better by my friends. 

A lot of people are ignorant and don't understand anything beyond cisgender and heterosexual. I hope that I can help shed some light on what it is to be Pangender and Pansexual as I go though my own personal discovery. I am still fully understanding who I am and being only eighteen I probably have some time to go. Some people go into their thirties and are still unsure of themselves. The internet has helped but gender identity and sexual orientation are not simple things. They are not black and white and become complex and confusing and take some time to understand. If I help at least one person become a more accepting person free of ignorance then I will know my blog has been worth it.

When we turn on the TV or pick up a book a lot of what we see is heterosexual and cisgender people. Not that there is nothing wrong with being heterosexual or cisgender at all-I say love who you are not love who you are as long as your not heterosexual and cisgender but it would be nice for more diversity. I want to see more queer representation and more non-cis representation just as much as I would love to see more characters which do not full under the WASP category minus the P and more positive examples of religious groups. Its the same, I do not think this is the fault of the writers to an extent. I think we have normalized heterosexual and cisgender people so often that many fail to include others. I know growing up all my favourite shows included nothing but heterosexual and cis gendered people, with no accurate portrayal of sub cultures or duo cultures that many find themselves in.

Many aspects of this blog will feature many personal problems, from finding the right bathroom and to finding a place in this "pink is for girls and blue is for boys" world. It will be a journey and some parts may be triggering. I will try and feature accurate warnings before hand but I can not make any promises that this will help. Certain topics are more triggering to others and certain situations can cause unpleasant memories and PSTD symptoms if a bad memories are brought back. Non-binary and queer is not always a happy place, discrimination, intolerance and nonacceptance. There are six countries in total where being anything but cisgender and heterosexual is still punishable by death and many more where the simple way you were born is considered a crime. I am blessed to have been born in a more tolerant country but there are still many parts which are not equal, many factors which need to be considered and taken into place. It is not just there there are racial, religious and disability factors which are often not treated equally and often discriminated again. I have been in the streets with my Muslim Seedo (actually my great-grandfather but he has always been known as Seedo, the Arabic informal word for Grandfather) and we have had rubbish and abuse hurled at us in the streets.

I created this blog primary to be therapeutic in my discovery and new development as I understand who I am as person but also because I want change to happen. I want to be part of the solution not part of the problem.