I actually can't stop crying....I'm heartbroken and crushed and devastated and hurting all over. Everything hurts so much. I don't understand why there is so much hate. I don't understand why people have to hate me, why they can't accept me and why they have to try and force me to lock myself away.
Queer individuals face so much discrimination but I guess I never thought I would face discrimination in my very own home by people suppose to love you forever. I guess it was foolish, naive and ridiculous on my part to actual believe that I lived in a safe bubble. That I could be accepted and loved; which is why I even started this. Because I will go places and feel like I don't belong and shouldn't exist so why should my own home be any different? Why should I have felt like there was a place where I could be safe and belonged and totally accepted by those around me? I guess I was an naive child at nineteen.
I remember the day I "came out" as pansexual. It was an uplifting experience for me and for the first time ever I felt so free. I still haven't openly admitted to be pangender, other then my sister, and now I'm not sure I want too. I just want to run away and never feel like this again. I am not free, I am faced with oppression in my very own home. I don't understand why there must be intolerance. I still bleed the same, I still cry the same, I still obsess over the same shows, I still eat the same foods, I'm still Morgan Kaged. I'm still the same person I just want people to know I'm queer. I don't fit your heteronormativity or binary but that's your fault for pointing me in a box rather then letting me be who I was born to be. Its silly really, children are just "confused" if their anything but a cisgender heterosexual or that its so harmful for them to know that some people aren't a cisgender heterosexual. Yet they could be watching violence and mild sexual contact on the TV because that's not harmful at all. If we want to protect children maybe we should stop forcing people into a closet and instead focus on 'The Sun's' page three....I always thought pornography was more harmful then just someone like me.
I don't even know what I did wrong other then being born. I feel like my throat is closing up and my chest keeps getting tight and there is so many tears my vision is blurry. I thought "Malia Week" was going to be so fun for me but....I don't even belong in my own home anymore. I just....I don't belong anyone because I'm different. I'm too queer, too filthy, too much of a freak.
I cooked myself some pasta but threw the bowl away because I couldn't bring myself to eat. I just felt so isolated I lost my apatite. I just I feel....I don't think I've felt this bad about myself in a while. I just have such a resentment for everything that I am. I wouldn't have these problems if I was born straight or cisgender. I even contemplated gay change therapy but I know that its a waste of time and boardline torture. I am not confused or sick I'm just pansexual. This was never a choice this was just part of who I am. I discovered I liked girls before I discovered I liked boys, non-binary and that really didn't matter what their gender was. I was just a small kid but I knew.
I was told today by my mother and sorta step-father that even though they still "love" me, they don't want my queerness around their other children. They don't think they'll understand-even though its never been a problem-and say the world is just too homophobic (ignoring how queerphobic is a better term which doesn't erase anyone) for people like me. They'd rather have me silent and shut off in my room then feel free. Feel like my own home is a judgement free zone. My little brother is six years old but plays violent video games, knows how sex works, has seen both my parents naked, still sleeps in their bed, watches violent films, engages in violent play, is contently aggressive, plus both parents have a history of child abuse reports and social workers but of course me not being straight is the problem. If I am so loved why I am being told that out of everything I am the issue? I'm not trying to shame their parenting but if they honestly think that the possibility of me falling in love with someone is more of an issue then some of the violence they allow him to be exposed to then they have a very ignorant and bigoted bias.
I was accused of shoving it in their face when I have never once brought home an girlfriend or enbyfriend. I was made to feel unloved and unwanted and like a freak and I wish I could say this was a one off. But it's not. There have been countless times where they have made me feel like I'm not fully part of the family, that I shouldn't exist. Whenever I try to explain these actions hurt me I am made to feel like I am wrong from being up my feelings and that I need to respect their point of view. I'm not interest in how a heterosexual cisgender's person tops mine on queer issues.
I have put in applications for the council and for Albert Kennedy Trust. I want to be able to move out from all the intolerance. I just want to feel safe in my own home. Is that really too much to ask? I don't know how long it takes but I hope not too long. I don't want to stay somewhere where I am treated like I should be silent for not confirming.
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