I am on the housing list and have spoken with the Albert Kennedy Trust, so hopefully I will have a place to live soon. As for my house life....things are complicated and confusing. I want to be so open and honest and live in a space place where the outside world's queerphobia and prejudice and discrimination and nonacceptance and intolerance can't touch me. Where I am free to be whoever I want and express myself so freely. With a political party in my own country (UKIP) openly saying how being queer is not worthy enough to be equal of respect-actual quote from UKIP's Roger Helmer-then surely behind the closed door and safe four walls I can be the panenby I was born to be.
My mother has since apologized, after three days of me crying my eyes out and wondering what was wrong with me that I was born the way I was. She also tried to apply straight tears and talk about how it effected her, because of course she was deeply effected by telling someone who isn't cisgender heterosexual that she doesn't want them to around her son to protect him, mean while he's playing that horrid video game 'Naughty Bear' which is far more horrific and violent then its name suggests for anyone who has not come across it. None the less she has apologized and is trying to be supportive, so I have accepted her apology. I am firm on my decision to move out though. Acceptance should not have no exceptions, no ifs, not buts, it should just be acceptance. Queer individuals should not be treated as if they are more harmful to a child's innocence then the violence in our video games and films and the sex culture that can be found everywhere, including newspapers. Queer individuals are not harmful and are no different to cisgender heterosexuals other then that we are oppressed daily in our lives as the world caters to cisgender and heterosexual individuals, even better if you are both. Some queer people may experience the cisgender bias while some may experience the heterosexual bias but we are still oppressed if we do not have both.
My sort-of-step father (my mother divorced him but she's engaged to him again) has still not apologized nor has he acknowledged that what he said was problematic and queerphobic. He refuses to admit that he made bigoted remarks and spoke with nothing but ignorance. I was erased from existence and yet he can not step out of his cisgender heterosexual bubble to care about other gender identities and sexual orientations that he is erasing for a second. He refuses to recognized that world is automatically catered towards his based on his gender identity and sexual orientation. For now I am refusing to speak to him, I have been silent and ignored his every attempt to communicate. I am also refusing to go to the wedding. Some may call me childish and petty and immature but I don't want to support a union that does not want to support me. If I am not seen as an equal, as someone who should be allowed to be visible then I don't want anything to do with him. I don't see myself as being unreasonable, I see myself taking back my agency. I am not his equal in his eyes as he chooses to try and erase my identity therefore until I am seen as an equal I will not support anything that has to do with him. Hopefully I will have moved out and far away before this wedding takes place.
I'm just an enby living in a country which hates hir whole point of being. Being at home is no longer comfortable, I have a longing desire to buy a binder but now I am too scared of what I will face at home if I do. I want to "pass", there are some days where I want to be seen as a boy, where I wouldn't mind male pronouns and just want to be referred to as a boy. However I was defined female at birth and I do have breasts, breasts which make it impossible to pass as anything but a girl. And most days I don't want to pass as a girl. I do have a preference to the "male" autonomy, I think it looks better but I do enjoy my vagina and breasts. It's shame that I can not have multiple body choices as a pangender, but to do so I would have to undergo shape shifting. I often wish I could just shape shift into my preferred gender, that would make this so much easier. Sadly that only exists in the comics. Where Loki and Mystique are lucky because they be whatever gender they want to be as easily as simply thinking it. I do not have this luxury nor do any non-binary people.
I know this is far far shorter then my previous blog posts, however it has been such a while since I posted I wanted to make sure one was posted today. I had great fun with Malia Week and plan to continue writing fan fiction as well as my own original works plus I do maintain a fashion account specializing in non-binary and genderqueer fashion sets. I am busier now then why I started this blog so I may not be posting as often but I do intent to continue to be an active blog that posts frequently. This isn't much shorter but I am sad to end it here after such a long pause between posts.
My mother has since apologized, after three days of me crying my eyes out and wondering what was wrong with me that I was born the way I was. She also tried to apply straight tears and talk about how it effected her, because of course she was deeply effected by telling someone who isn't cisgender heterosexual that she doesn't want them to around her son to protect him, mean while he's playing that horrid video game 'Naughty Bear' which is far more horrific and violent then its name suggests for anyone who has not come across it. None the less she has apologized and is trying to be supportive, so I have accepted her apology. I am firm on my decision to move out though. Acceptance should not have no exceptions, no ifs, not buts, it should just be acceptance. Queer individuals should not be treated as if they are more harmful to a child's innocence then the violence in our video games and films and the sex culture that can be found everywhere, including newspapers. Queer individuals are not harmful and are no different to cisgender heterosexuals other then that we are oppressed daily in our lives as the world caters to cisgender and heterosexual individuals, even better if you are both. Some queer people may experience the cisgender bias while some may experience the heterosexual bias but we are still oppressed if we do not have both.
My sort-of-step father (my mother divorced him but she's engaged to him again) has still not apologized nor has he acknowledged that what he said was problematic and queerphobic. He refuses to admit that he made bigoted remarks and spoke with nothing but ignorance. I was erased from existence and yet he can not step out of his cisgender heterosexual bubble to care about other gender identities and sexual orientations that he is erasing for a second. He refuses to recognized that world is automatically catered towards his based on his gender identity and sexual orientation. For now I am refusing to speak to him, I have been silent and ignored his every attempt to communicate. I am also refusing to go to the wedding. Some may call me childish and petty and immature but I don't want to support a union that does not want to support me. If I am not seen as an equal, as someone who should be allowed to be visible then I don't want anything to do with him. I don't see myself as being unreasonable, I see myself taking back my agency. I am not his equal in his eyes as he chooses to try and erase my identity therefore until I am seen as an equal I will not support anything that has to do with him. Hopefully I will have moved out and far away before this wedding takes place.
I'm just an enby living in a country which hates hir whole point of being. Being at home is no longer comfortable, I have a longing desire to buy a binder but now I am too scared of what I will face at home if I do. I want to "pass", there are some days where I want to be seen as a boy, where I wouldn't mind male pronouns and just want to be referred to as a boy. However I was defined female at birth and I do have breasts, breasts which make it impossible to pass as anything but a girl. And most days I don't want to pass as a girl. I do have a preference to the "male" autonomy, I think it looks better but I do enjoy my vagina and breasts. It's shame that I can not have multiple body choices as a pangender, but to do so I would have to undergo shape shifting. I often wish I could just shape shift into my preferred gender, that would make this so much easier. Sadly that only exists in the comics. Where Loki and Mystique are lucky because they be whatever gender they want to be as easily as simply thinking it. I do not have this luxury nor do any non-binary people.
I know this is far far shorter then my previous blog posts, however it has been such a while since I posted I wanted to make sure one was posted today. I had great fun with Malia Week and plan to continue writing fan fiction as well as my own original works plus I do maintain a fashion account specializing in non-binary and genderqueer fashion sets. I am busier now then why I started this blog so I may not be posting as often but I do intent to continue to be an active blog that posts frequently. This isn't much shorter but I am sad to end it here after such a long pause between posts.
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