What is pangender? Pangender people are people who do not wish to be labelled as girl or boy because they feel they do not fit into the gender binary because they feel they are all genders.
Finding out that there was a gender term for me was amazing and uplifting. I felt less of a "freak" and more happy and confident about myself. I knew that there was nothing wrong with me and that I just being the person that I was born to be. That I was just a human being and that I wasn't alone. I of course very excitedly scrolled though the pangender tag on Tumblr, and went into forums and chat rooms to talk about my gender and experiences and feel close to other pangender people. Spell check still does not recognize pangender as a correct word, but that didn't matter. I knew it was correct and I had surrounded myself online with people like me. Facebook saw me as a real gender too; in a previous post I explained how excited I was too know that at least one website saw me for who I am. A real human being. I felt so happy. Its actually a pretty sad reality where you feel more comfortable speaking to strangers online and writing blog posts about your identity and yet you feel so different and alone at home.
However I did mention it to my sister Emily. I love her to bit, she was the first person in my family that I told about being pansexual. I opened up to her about being pangender and answered all her questions. Its a little awkward answering questions based on your gender but I don't think I'll ever be one of those "not my job to educate you" type of people. Its a matter of how you want to address those questions, while I find it awkward, I don't personally mind it too much as long as the person is respectable. However she came to me and not only is refusing to use the name I feel more comfortable with told me that she looked up pangender on the internet and told me I was lying. She told me that she didn't believe I was pangender and that she was going to purposely misgender me from now on. I don't actively go around hating and discriminating against cisgender people, there is nothing wrong with how you are born. However I do take strong issue with a cisgender person, even my own sister, telling me that they know more about my gender then I do. Telling me I'm just confused, and I'm doing it for attention. Why would I want to live in a world where I'm every day being misgendered? Not sure which bathroom I should use, scared of how people see me, daily discriminated against and uncomfortable in own home? What's worse is she's basing this on an online forum of people who don't believe pangender exists in the first place.
Pangender isn't a choice nor is it something I decided to do for attention. Its honestly hurts me and makes me feel even more of a stranger in my own home for attention. She's my sister and I'll always love her but I don't know how I'll be able to address her after this. How can I speak to someone who is bent on misgendering me because she doesn't believe me?
What's worse is I almost came out to my mother. Being able to be open in my family is a step closer to be more comfortable and use pronouns that I really want. Titles that I want and being able to be fully open and free instead of a prisoner. However when I casually made a comment about not being a girl the look of sheer horror and disgust was enough to make me change my mind. I quickly turned it into a thing about my age. I just feel so lost and alone now, I want to buy a binder. Some days I know I won't be using it but there are other days where I do wish I was more flat chested, more "boy like". I'm too scared of the reactions caused. I'm scared for being me.
I want to dress how I feel most comfortable, I want to give the appearance I feel most comfortable as, I want use the title I feel most comfortable as.
This isn't some lifestyle chose or some attention seeking, and no I'm not dealing with a childhood trauma. I am pangender because yes, I feel like I am all genders. I don't understand why people find this concept so hard to understand. There are more genders then the gender binary, just because someone is non-binary does not mean they are faking a gender just for the sake of it. No one wants to be discriminated against! Its not a choice. I don't know how often I can repeat myself but the message never seems to sink it.
I feel like a mistake even though I'm not the one who has done anything wrong. I'm sick of being told no one cares when I correct them on their name, how will they react to when I finally pluck up the courage to ask them for certain pronouns? I suppose its all due to the binary bias and cisgender bias world that we live in, one that forces "pink for girls, blue for boys". Why you are non-binary you don't fit in anywhere, there's no space for you in a professional setting, there's no toilets, there's no roles, the world is set up to make you feel like you don't exist. But that's not true. I do exist and it hurts when people don't accept or see that.
I know many pangender and other non-binary people feel this way, society treats us like dirt and then everything is turned around on us. We are blamed for not be happy, for the binary bias, for being told in every possibly way that we don't exist. This is why I want to create such beautiful gender diverse books. I want to give representation to people of all genders because no one deserves to be shut out of the media based on their gender. Its a disturbing fact that their are more representations of rapist-some of this positive representations-then their are non-binary people. But it's our fault that there is a binary bias. How dare we be outside the gender binary!
Yes I am having a bad day. Yes I feel like crying. Yes I am hurting. This is me, Morgan Kaged, saying yes I do exist. No this is not a choice but who I am.
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